Updated: Sep 14, 2018
I didn’t share much about the experience there.
It’s difficult to put into words what India did and still does to me. And not only India. Also in Goa. I always make a difference between them because there is a huge one. These are like two new Universes you’re entering.
For me, only a life that I feel free, wild and alive is worth living. Whenever I come back to Europe or any other very modern country, doesn’t matter if in Asia, Europe or US, I feel the chains slowly wrapping around my neck, my wrists, my ankles. Very subtle. Slowly. And suddenly you’re soaked in it. You keep working and working and feel stressed and then you get the money and you can’t enjoy it because you feel guilty that you don’t work more, who are you to enjoy, whereas there are so much stress and so many things you need to think about? In Zurich, I basically just worked to pay off the studio rent I paid. In six weeks I didn’t take one day off. I went to bed very late. My smartphone rarely left my hand.
In the beginning, I fell into a deep depression. And I felt bored. Yeah. I didn’t understand what is going on in this place. Why people do what they do and why they act as if it’s so important. The collective energy in Zurich is so different than in India, Bali or Brazil. People might smile arrogantly at me, driven by their own fear, they might try to project on me that I’m just running away by not wanting to stay in Switzerland.
But the fact is that the shittier the internet is, the happier I am.
The less there is, the more the stuff I have, touches me. Buying kurkuma is luxury. When I got myself a tiny bag of almonds in a tiny fishing village in Kerala, India, where I stayed at the ashram, a Hindu monastery, I cherished every single almond. It took me days to eat them. I love that. I love the simplicity that life has there. It’s so simple that you can actually feel the richness, taste it, touch it, truly enjoy it. For me being almonds in India for 3 dollars was a luxury. Where food costs about 50 cents. It’s ridiculous if I think of how much things cost in Zurich and we don’t have the space to enjoy. We forgot how that works and we got all the luxuries. So we hope the more expensive it gets, the more it will somehow maybe touch us. At least a little bit. Something that will touch us. We actually hope to FEEL. You know what I heard very often after my yoga classes? That people don’t feel their hearts. We focus a lot on the heart and I ask people to breathe into their hearts and see if there is something – a message, an image, a feeling. People feel numb. We feel numb.
When I came back to Zurich it was so easy to get distracted. It was easy to not go into the heart. My last couple of days in Zurich have been very healing. In my family but as well as a man that is very dear to my heart. My heart started softening. It felt so awkward. So put yourself out there. Like really open up. It’s so vulnerable. It feels like you had a heart surgery and they forgot to stitch it up and you walk around with this open heart. We’re all in this human experience and we take it all so serious as if it’s the end of the world. All the drama, all the stress, all the chasing. All the fear of truly being alone but also truly connecting from heart to heart. But things require lots of courage. A jump. A jump into something you don’t know yet. Like where the fuck is it going to lead you? So I thought I don’t care anymore about this man, I’m fine, whatever. We called after a really long time and just looking into each other’s eyes makes the walls around my heart melt. My heart softens.
This weekend I had a heavy migraine. Like my mind was fighting my heart so much that I had to take painkillers because it was so painful. It hurts to close the heart.
We think it hurts to open it. But it’s not true. It’s the pain of closing up, of denying what you feel that brings the pain up when you’re heart starts to soften again. So I tried to convince myself that I don’t care. But I do. I missed the closeness. I just pretended the closeness was not real and is gone. But it’s not. With all these walls, there is love. And love is so freaking powerful. You know I feel tired. I feel tired of being hard. Of being strong.
I crave to just soften. To just be honest. To just speak from my heart. To let the anger out. So it doesn’t transform into bitterness but love. So how to just love? Love with no expectation of how that love needs to take the form or not?
That’s an advanced practice. To love someone with an open heart for what they are. To love all their humanness. And all their soul. Because the soul is soul, the heart is the heart.
I have goosebumps and tears when I remember those sweet moments of love.
All the pain that you feel.
Let it all come up. Let that fire burn through everything that makes you close your heart.
All the masks. All the shoulds. All the walls. All the filters. All the unlogical vs. logical mindfuck. Because if we remove everything.
Love still just loves.
So this is what India does to me.
It helps me create simplicity in my life. Cheerish simplicity. In India, you learn that nothing is important and all is important. Life is just life. Not more, not less.
And while flying I asked myself: What would I do, if I knew I’d die tomorrow? Who would I meet? Where would I be?
India can smash you on the fucking ground. In India, you can’t escape your shadow. All slows down. You can’t run. You gotta practice fucking patience. And feel into the fucking chaotic, dirty, painful darkness. Yeah, all that is fugly (fucking ugly) will come up here.
Once you had that shock-therapy you go to Goa. And you realize how blissed out you actually can fucking be. LIKE OMG! When I was in Goa I realized how happy I could be. Haha, how much in love with life. You kinda laugh about your small self and to what it tried to hold on because of security. And fucking security doesn’t exist. I didn’t share publicly and just with few people because it triggers people a lot: But I don’t have a health insurance. I don’t have any insurance. What are you trying to protect yourself from? Death? When you try to protect yourself from death, you protect yourself from life. You don’t live. You just function somehow. Like, watch yourself. When I don’t meditate I feel like in a blurry weirdo movie.
Once in India I asked a man completely shocked what they’re doing when they’re ill or hurt themselves if they don’t have an insurance. And he said very easily and lightly: “Oh, you just die.” But there wasn’t anything heavy about it. It was like “Oh if you don’t have cash, you go to the ATM.” That’s why I feel everyone could use a bit of India therapy. Europe is a bubble. The US is a bubble. All the modern huge cities are fucking bubbles. And India is another bubble too. That’s the thing I realized while traveling. We all live in bubbles.
But once you travel you get to experience different ones, so once you came back to the bubble you grew up in, it feels weird. It feels like a choice. You’re not a victim of the society and culture you grew up in. It’s just another fucking bubble and you gotta meditate and choose your own fucking reality.
And then I went to Bali. Because Bali is a fucking heart opener. Heaven and hell. The energies are so intense.
Last time I fought it so hard, I said I will not come back because I feel I’m done with this Island. Haha…oh yeah, sure. Silly girl I was. People in Bali are so present that you gonna get present too. Once you are present you can’t distract yourself with the past or future. Gosh, and you try to fight it and all that is happening is a fight between your mindfuck and between allowing yourself to feel your heart.
“Go into your heart”
Nothing I heard so often like that the past months.
“Too much focus on the outside, go inside, your heart is calling you”
Yeah, all our hearts are calling us, and so mine is calling yours to my dear. If this resonates, if you’re tired of just functioning, finally make the brave step to follow your heart on an adventure that you’ll never forget. Come with me to Goa – on a journey back to your heart. 8 days on a relaxing beach, dancing with your sisters, sipping lime sodas and fresh coconuts, eating delish food with your hands, sleeping in a cozy hut practicing yoga on a deck with a beautiful green view the time is now, to start listening to your heart and live your life truly. Join the Goa Heart Adventure in January 2019 – Early Bird pricing ends September 30th. More info & booking.